"Look at what Caitlin's wearing," my classmate whispered to her friend as I walked past her locker. She had an ugly smile on her face. "She's TRYING to fit in." They both burst into giggles. I pretended that I hadn't heard them as I continued past, but my heart sank. And then a fierce, angry determination came over me...."I'll show them...." I muttered under my breath.

• All of my life I felt like I was competing with other people. I wanted to be better than everyone else. In high school and college I threw myself into my work, studying for ridiculous numbers of hours to keep my grades higher than everyone else's. I exercised and dieted to keep my body slimmer and more attractive. I was in competition with everybody, my friends, my siblings, my classmates. And my pride grew and grew. But I was miserable. I lived each day in fear of getting behind, fear of gaining weight, fear of my life getting out of my own control. I was terrified of what would happen if I let go.
• I had grown up hearing about Jesus - that He had died on the cross for my sin, and I had asked Him for forgiveness for my sins when I was just a little girl. But I didn't really understand how He could change my life or take away my fears. He seemed to be a far-away distant person, unrelated to me, and certainly not an intimate friend.
• As the years passed my loneliness grew. I refused to open up and share with people because that would be a sign of weakness. The pressures I created for myself felt overwhelming, and I was worried that I might go crazy. I made a commitment to start attending church regularly. I didn't think it would help much, but at least I hoped to meet some people to take the edge off of my loneliness.
• My pastor explained Jesus to me in a way I had never understood before. He told me that Jesus is a real person. That He is crazy about me. That His greatest desire is to hold me closely in His arms and comfort me. In fact, He said, Jesus is in love with me. His love is "passionate, committed, and spousal." This was just what my lonely heart was craving.
• My dad shared with me 1 John 4:18, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear...." For the first time I felt free. All that mattered in my life was my relationship to Him. I could let go of the pressures and fears. It was that simple. The freedom that I began to experience was so intense that I couldn't stop from crying as I thought about Him. He died a painful, miserable death so that I could be His bride. This was the unconditional love that I had desired all my life.

"Look for yourself, and you will find in the long run only hatred, loneliness, despair, rage, ruin, and decay. But look for Christ and you will find Him, and with Him everything else thrown in." C.S. Lewis