I suffered no abuse. I endured no trauma. But growing up I lacked a sense of internal security. The thought of eventually becoming an adult, with all its responsibility, felt elusive and frightening. Though our family believed in God, we rarely attended church. The notion of God, or lack thereof, felt elusive and frightening to me as well.
Growing up I didn't doubt God's existence. But I knew instinctively that merely believing in God's existence didn't put me in a secure place with Him. Because I didn't know much about God and was not living to please Him, I sensed that upon death I could easily face a terrifying future. However, I simply ignored these nagging feelings throughout my childhood.
Finally, in my junior year of college, I met some guys who seemed to have their lives together. They were outspoken Christians, and gradually I began learning why their worlds made sense. They had submitted themselves to the loving care of God, the Creator and Sustainer of the universe. They believed that all of humanity suffered from a propensity to do evil, a condition known as sin, which renders all guilty and condemned by God the perfect Judge. They knew that in His great love, God sent His son Jesus to bear the punishment for their sin.
They were captured by the grand story of God's glory. This is why they lived in freedom, peace and wholeness. They were also kind and forgiving people. One night I returned home drunk and vomited on the floor rug of my bible study leader's precious BMW. I expected anger from him; instead I received compassion. In retrospect, through Mike's forgiveness toward me I experienced the personal kindness of God Himself. This event triggered a turning point for me.
Eventually I surrendered my life to God, confessed that I was a sinner, that I needed Jesus' forgiveness and power to live in peace. The more I became personally acquainted with God and His son Jesus, the more complete my life grew. He has brought wholeness, peace, and freedom to my otherwise troubled soul. Life's not just about my story (a mentality which could cause either great megalomania or great neurosis); it's about His story. And God's story was what brought sense to my story.
Living in this world continues to have its challenges. But as I grow in my relationship with God, being a responsible adult becomes less daunting. Operating out of soul wholeness which comes from peace with God, I have more capacity to love my wife, my children, and the world around me.
It's finally making sense!